After the Goodbye: Finding Healing in Social Connection
Last month, our family gathered to say goodbye to the remarkable matriarch, my 92-year-old mother-in-law, Helene. It was a celebration of her incredible life journey that began on a small farm outside the city of Bourges, France, through the war, to living in the south pacific and finally settling back in the south of France.
In the mid-1950s, she embarked on an extraordinary adventure that defined her pioneering spirit, and French flair all supported by a biting sense of humor and a make do attitude. Alongside her parents, siblings, their spouses, and 9 children, this multi-generational tribe undertook an arduous 3-month voyage by boat from France to the remote islands of Tahiti and eventually New Caledonia. I still can’t imagine them all jammed into 2-rooms in steerage.
It was in the beautiful but undeveloped lands of New Caledonia that she met my father-in-law, another young French adventurer who had also journeyed there seeking new opportunities. Their marriage would complete the clan of four families. And always, there was Helene connecting the dots, a kind of fulcrum to it all.
They raised my wife and her sister in the small village of Paita without modern amenities like electricity (outside of a small generator), TV or a telephone until my wife was 12 years old. In the early days, even a simple chore like doing the laundry was a challenge, done by hand in the nearby river. After teaching in a one-room schoolhouse (he was my wife’s teacher for 4 years), my father-in-law eventually became the principal of a full-sized primary school as the village grew. All along my mother-in-law was the anchor, at one point taking care of her brother’s children for over a year when his wife took ill and needed treatment in Australia.
While some relatives remained in New Caledonia, in 1988, my in-laws returned to France to live near my sister-in-law and her young family in the south. There, they built their dream home, Le Puech, overlooking a valley filled with vineyards and a 12th-century chateau, literally constructing it with their own hands, brick by brick. When they bought the property, we all had doubts since it was unclear if the property had water, but Helene was both sure and confident. As was often the case, she proved right. It was on this idyllic property that my children spent their summers playing with their cousins and under her caring eye. Helene was an amazing gardener, knowing the Latin names of all the plants (even the plants from remote corners of the world when she walked in the botanic garden across the street from our home in Brooklyn). Their property was filled with flowers (never enough according to Helene) gardens overflowing with vegetables, fruits, olives and rabbits and chicken befitting a French country home.
Over the years there were numerous gatherings of the large extended family. I still remember the first Mechoui, a sort of large festive meal common in that part of France. I remember Helene preparing the whole lamb the day before, the wine from my brother-in-law cooperative and meeting and trying to learn the names of the 60 members of the family who came. An American friend who was happened to be visiting (Helene found room for him) and I almost won the family pétanque competition losing in the tournament final. All along there was Helene in the background making sure the party was a success.
The last year of Helene’s life wasn’t easy. Her myriad ailments became more problematic. While the French healthcare system provides significant help, the additional care fell to my sister-in-law and father-in-law. Only when the time came to bid this remarkable woman farewell, did I fully realize the strain on him. For the first time in all the years I have known him, he appeared diminished. This athletic man even in his 90s (he always looked 30 years younger than his actual age) seemed transformed and frail. It was shocking and made all of us worry. But that is where the power of connection again proved its power to heal and transform. Upon hearing of Helene’s death, the extended family immediately came together, travel was organized, logistic planned and arrangements made. My wife had traveled to be with her Mom the last couple of days of her life, and me, my son and his finance followed that weekend. The funeral was held in a 12th-century church, followed by a procession through the village to the cemetery. It was during the wake that something profound happened.
As the dozens of family members and friends pored over thousands of family photos I had on my phone—spanning decades, the stories and memories came alive. As the wake went on, I looked over and I witnessed my grieving father-in-law's spirits rise. By the end of the day, surrounded by his extended clan, he had regained a semblance of his normal self. He was visibly different from when I arrived a day or two earlier or even the way he looked at the beginning of the funeral. He was still profoundly sad at losing his partner of 68 years, but you could literally see his physical transformation and I knew in my soul that he would continue his journey.
Tips for Staying Connected as We Age
Preserve family histories: Record stories, scan old photos, and create digital archives to share with loved ones and bring them out often. It is through our stories that we create psychic threads of connection.
Embrace technology: Telephone calls, video calls and messaging apps can help bridge distances and keep families connected across generations and distance.
Cultivate traditions: Maintain rituals, celebrations, and gatherings that bring families together and create lasting memories.
Seek intergenerational communities: Explore senior living options that foster connections between young and old through shared activities and living spaces.
Reminisce often: Sharing memories and life experiences provides not only comfort, strengthen bonds, and help families heal during difficult times.
This experience was a poignant reminder of the profound healing powers of connection. It reignited my passion for why I founded Klaatch - to help combat the epidemic of loneliness and social isolation too many older adults face. The Social Quotient enables personalizing solutions to improve social connectedness across generations within communities.
If you would like to learn more about building stronger social connections in your senior living community, I would be honored to discuss further. Please email me at adam@klaatch.com.
Adam Greene, Klaatch CEO and Founder
Adam has 20+ years of experience as an entrepreneur, senior executive in public and private companies and investment banking with expertise in corporate finance, M&A, management, team building and corporate strategy. It was the conversation with his father’s healthcare coordinator about the role that loneliness seemed to be playing in his father’s deteriorating health that was Adam’s tipping point for founding Klaatch.
